Guys, I do not know if this is a secret but I am not a millionaire. This means that when I travel by plane I always have been in economy. I am a very frugal plane ticket shopper so i usually end up in some middle seat in a jam packed plane. I have met many interesting people, I have met many creeps, and I have met the man from China.
It all started as I was boarding my plane in LAX to Beijing China. I sat down in my elbowroomless chair and soon after was wafted with a pungent smell of death mixed with Body Odor, I looked up to see who had snuck a dead rotting carcass onto the plane only to see a rather large man approaching the seat next to me. Spoiler alert, the smell was coming from him. This man plopped into the seat to my right sending a tornado of fumes into my now ruined nostrils. ( guys keep in mind the flight to china is not a short one) I am not a mean person (unless hungry) so I gently smiled and offered my name and a handshake. This guy, ohhhhhh, this guy wipes his running nostril with his hand and extends it towards me with a string of mucus still connecting to the nose from once it came. As if the mucus from the nostril had more decency than this guy and was trying to stay in the nose from where it came.
Im stuck, I initiated the handshake of mucus unknowingly, his hand still protruding out from him slowly making headway towards my sanitized skin! One million thoughts ran into my head but none came fast enough….. Our hands met….. I know….a piece of my soul crumbled. I tried my best to hold back my gag reflex as I rushed to the restroom shoving poor innocent people out of my path, trying to save the purity of my palm. I spent the next 5 hours scrubbing my hand in the restroom. Okay not 5 but I literally sobbed at what had just transpired. I felt so very violated by a man who was my shoulder to shoulder buddy for the next 14 hours. After trying to flush myself down the toilet in order to escape my fate I braved up and headed back to my seat.
Guess what I found. Just guess my little ducklings of happiness. My lovely companion was dead asleep leaning into my seat with what dripping from him? A cocktail of saliva and snot oozing from his open mouth into a nice little puddle on my seat. I lost it, LOOSSTTT it I marched to the Airplane attendee and asked if by any grace of the all knowing god if I could get my seat changed. The answer? Plane is completely booked.
Dead, That was my next thought. Kill someone because we would then have to land this cursed plane and I would spend every last cent to get on another plane. Any plane, to anywhere. I will make it work. A life behind bars sounded pleasant compared to my current fate. But I had to make this work, I grabbed a scarf from my bag and literally got it drunk off of my body spray and wrapped it around my nose and mouth. I grabbed two extra blankets from the stewardess and laid them across the bottom of the seat. A poncho was placed over me and I put my rose colored sunglasses on to seal the deal. I looked ridiculous, Like a Russian native during the winter blizzard storm. with my hands sanitized, and anti-bacterial wet wipes in hand I returned to battle. This guy was still slumped over snoring his rotten cat breathe into my face. I prayed the entire pane ride. Every god, Saint, and angel must have heard my plea because we finally landed.
FREEDOM!!!!!!!! I shot out of my seat ready to hurdle the people and chairs ahead of me! Wanting to Gasp in Fresh air that Doesn’t smell of putrid anus. My enemy, My soul sucking advisory got my attention as he cleared his throat only to hock the biggest loogie I have ever seen onto the ground below us. All while making eye contact with me, All while flames burned behind my pupils and my hands clenched ready to throw this man into the meat grinder. He stood smiled bowed his head and exited the plane all while I had to hold every ounce of myself back to not throw a ninja star at the back of his head.
I FINALLY got off the plane and Paid a outrageous amount of money to rent a airport shower and room. I stayed in that shower lathered in enough soap to clean 100 diesel trucks shivering in the corner as I re hashed the events from earlier that day. I disposed of my scarf, my poncho, and even my body spray because it now had a tie to literally the worst plane ride with the most disgusting plane partner I have ever encountered. I parya that the odds will be ever in your favor that you and the man of many snots and odor will never cross paths. May your soul stay whole, and your palm sanitized. Amen.