Bring on the Heat

I am a chef. I love everything about food. All food. The aroma, the texture, the shows, the sauce ,the heat, the endless amount of possibilities that are just at the tip of my fingers. An art. I eat always. I make or order food, I devour it, as I am devouring it I am thinking about what I am going to eat next. It is a literal obsession. A very expensive yet delicious obsession. My rear end kindly takes the blow for my endless munching. I have an ASS a huge obnoxious rear. One that has got me all sorts of uncomfortable attention. Once while walking on a beach in Santa Monica I overheard a daughter and father conversation going on behind me the little girl who looked to be 5 hit her father and yelled loudly “daaadddy!!! you looking at that girls bum!” the father turns to her and replies “Sure am honey, that’s A big ass booty.” Street calls are a regular “crossbreed” “Nicki Minaj” ” big booty Judy” ha ha okay I made up the last one but only because it is catchy.  You are supposed to “own” your assets right? loud and proud of what your momma gave you! But I know you know how awkward it is to turn and get out a hot tub full of gawking men and know that all of there horny little eyes are darting straight towards your goodies. I have tried different approaches to getting out of the hot tub of course to avoid the awkwardness. Be forewarned all of these moves have proven at times to be more awkward then just enduring the Stare of wonder
1- The beached wale: this starts with a slight jump followed by a quick roll over the side of the hot tub. This move usually plays out better in the head and is accompanied by awkward breathing and display of the goodies.
2-Duck Duck goose: this requires immaculate timing of your hot tub companions. You sit in the hot tub and forfeit any kind of idea you had of leaving the hot tub alone. You wait until your boiling friends decide they want to leave and awkwardly squeeze between two of them in a standing spoon position removing your lovely ba-donk from those beading eyes.
3-The wet towel: Leave the towel by the side of the hot tub. “accidently” have it fall in the tub of torture, drape it around your backside as you make your escape. And freeze to death the rest of the night.
Or you could always just own it. Do the runway walk up those tub steps swing the hips a little more than usual and waddle your way past those yearning gazes. Boys are so silly aren’t they? the whole staring thing is out of control. to the point where in 6th grade I remember contemplating a shirt with an arrow a crossed my newly formed mosquito bites saying “my face is up here” Even at a young age I knew it was going to be a reoccurring problem. The mindless primate stare. Ones that my bum is too large to be able to dodge. My food induced luscious booty, that forever will have my back.

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